well springtime is finally here and i have neglected this blog for way too long. the weird thing about studying abroad, at least for me, is that when i was first considering going there was no question in my mind that it would be berlin for one year. i immediately wanted to read as many "abroad" blogs as i could, glean all the useful how-to information and have the most prepared, knowledgeable, perfect abroad experience ever. when saying goodbyes, i felt so attached to my life at home and the people i was leaving, i insisted to myself that i would do everything differently and magically spent all sorts of free time writing long heartfelt letters, sending (surprisingly expensive!) postcards, and keeping up with group emails.

the ultimate truth that i've discovered about study abroad is that it is an intimate, at times indescribable experience more than anything. a friend of mine from middlebury said that after he and his group of friends all got back from their respective study-abroad countries, they all sort of collectively said "oh my gosh it was amazing" and then went on with their lives. its impossible to sum up a year of your life for someone. when someone emails me asking "how is berlin?" i kind of want to laugh a little ... its similar to asking "how was being five years old?". its almost intangible and difficult to summarize, and i think that generalizing my experience month by month will only cheapen it. i can say, without a doubt, this has been the most amazing six months of my life, but i'm struggling to find a medium between that vague communication, and the tedious daily emails i send my mother about what i ate or whom i saw, etc etc.

i will struggle on, though, for posterity's sake, and for the sake of vanity and my ego as well. my last final paper was turned in on march 9th. the feeling on the tenth was pretty much indescribable. after two intense months of work, it was all over. i felt guilty about being a bad student and taking so long to get everything done until this morning, when i got an email from another girl in the program who is finishing her work NEXT WEEK. how she even got that kind of an extension is beyond me. anyway, on the tenth, jordan was here! and decided after spending 3 days in berlin to stay, um, for a long time. shortly there after, i scooted over to prague again for a weekend, which is always raucous, and then jack came and stayed with me for a week and a half.

when jack came boy oh boy was everything full of hail and snow and awful weather, not to mention residual bitterness over the ubahn strike. yesterday, however, the temperature was about 16 C, which is about 61 F. today is 15, which is about 58. still. wow. wow wow wow. i know i know, dont get my hopes up, its going to rain, go back around 8 or 9, but still. the excitement over this weather is reaching the kind of hysteria levels reserved for middlebury spring, which usually comes about on may 1st, and is elusive and ephemeral until we all leave two weeks later.

i can not wait to experience berlin in springtime and even better - SUMMER. today the daylight officially reached 13 hours. in july, berlin gets about 17 or 18 hours of sunlight, which is insane. i plan on my bacchanalian lifestyle to increase threefold, and my general glee to be doubly as intense as my wintertime gloom. tomorrow night im flying to paris, just to increase the happy. add to that the fact that next year i am most likely (99% on this one) going to be living at 77 main street with three other friends, a living situation that is so much better than anything i imagined last month.

everything is so good that i'm a little afraid to jinx it: travel, new semester, new friends, beautiful weather, old friends, a new bike, a fresh start. i mean, granted, there are tiny lows. a giant melodramatic blow up with a certain ex boyfriend (who has never read this blog anyway, so i can talk about him all i want) hasn't really gotten me down, but really has liberated me even further. the thing is, i still sort of feel sad about it, but very very little and the feeling is continually passing. also i have some weird sort of cold happening, which i blame on the sudden changes in weather. hopefully i can drink a ton of water and juice today and get it under control by tomorrow.

i don't want to complain, or think about the bad stuff though, because i feel that it's something that i need to change about myself ultimately. i need to accept being happy and trust it. it's like, after holding on to bad feelings for so long its really hard to let go of them. it makes me think of the "trust building" leadership exercises we would do at high school retreats, where you would close your eyes and cross your arms and fall backward, and your group of 15 people would have to catch you. you have to trust them. sometimes i feel like i have a hard time closing my eyes and simply letting the universe catch me.