as i sit here writing my final entry in my study-abroad-in-berlin-blog, its really hard to believe that 10 months have gone by, that i'm leaving in a few hours and that i won't be back in this city for months. of course i'm listening to my goodbye songs, feeling sentimental. i didn't cry when i left the states and i haven't started to cry yet, but i've come close. i can't believe how much i've done and how many people i have met here with whom i will keep in touch and be friends for the rest of my life. i can't believe how at home i have felt in berlin. although it has been really hard to be here at times, and although it did take some getting used to, this city is my home. im not sure how i will feel when i get off the plane in new york city. of course i'm excited to see everyone whom ive missed over the last 10.5 months, and i want to see my mother most of all. im sure i'll get nostalgic once we're on the new jersey turnpike, and especially once we turn off the turnpike onto 295, and then to 561 and then potter street and then i'll see my house for the first time in close to a year.
falk and i were talking about leaving and seeing it as positively as possible, and i think i have thought of it that way and still do. its an age-old cliche, but its the whole feeling of another "chapter" in ones life. my first berlin chapter has ended. now there is a small new jersey interim, followed by my last year at middlebury, to which i really look forward. being a senior, living with my friends, having a real midd experience so to speak - it will all be really really good. and then who knows? everyone is sure that i'll be back in this city as soon as i graduate, and its definitely a possibility, but i don't want to limit myself.
i know i'll be back in berlin. i don't know when or for how long, but it will happen. i also know i'll see all of these people who are so close to me again. i guess thats why leaving haddonfield and middlebury wasn't that hard, and leaving here is going to work out as well. i'm an adult living in the 21st century and if coming back and being here is important to me, then i'll do it.
this post has been overly sappy, and so with that i end this blog, to live on forever in internet posterity (until i come back .... maybe).
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Monday, August 4, 2008
the idea of a countdown is almost futile now, since i'm leaving so soon. when it was 10 days, things officially got real. ten days was real. a week was really real. but now ... 3 days ... if you can even call it that. its come down to business hours practically, especially considering everything i have to do. the next three days will not be relaxed. i still have to finish a paper and edit both of them. i also need to go to the police station and say im leaving, leave the university, tell my gym that i'm cancelling my membership, and pay a ton of money to my insurance company (i hate insurance companies more than ... um ... anything).
then i will be home, and hopefully less stressed. i also have to see all sorts of people in the next few days and go to parties. saturday was my going away party (part one) and i managed to make some really bad decisions, as usual, and go out afterwards till about 10 am or so sunday morning. granted i didn't do anything terrible. no federal crimes were involved. i'll still get everything done that i need to. but i lost a day of my life that i'll never get back haha. it wasn't pleasant. it will be a relief to be back in a country where clubs close at a certain time and you go home. not this insane bacchanalian booze and drug wonderland where everyone around you is awake and happy and dancing and partying and you can literally get lost for days (not that i have personally, but i've heard enough first person stories to know its true). it was worth it to go back to berghain for my last time (maybe ever haha) and i don't regret being a dumb 21 year old anymore, but yesterday i was really wracked with guilt over the whole thing. maybe its a sign i'm not cut out for berlin ... all that excess makes me feel like a bad person. the best/worst part too depending on how you look at it is that these two random gay men from san francisco totally funded my trip to berghain for no reason than that they liked me (and tim hah).
anyway today will be very full and very productive and since my brain got a break yesterday, hopefully i can pump out this paper before tonight is over. we'll see. i must say that i am actually really glad that leaving berlin has kept me insanely busy. if i were a better student and had i finished all of these things a lot earlier, i'd be so bored and melancholy, and i'm also so broke that its not like i could afford to go anywhere or do anything else, so i'd be in my apartment watching mtv and panicking. at least now my panic feelings are minor, if at all, and i have no time to think about any of it - just do it. im sure i'll have time to think about it on my 9 hour plane ride home, and thats when it is allowed to all hit me, but since i said my first "goodbye" to someone a few weeks ago they've gotten easier and easier.
then i will be home, and hopefully less stressed. i also have to see all sorts of people in the next few days and go to parties. saturday was my going away party (part one) and i managed to make some really bad decisions, as usual, and go out afterwards till about 10 am or so sunday morning. granted i didn't do anything terrible. no federal crimes were involved. i'll still get everything done that i need to. but i lost a day of my life that i'll never get back haha. it wasn't pleasant. it will be a relief to be back in a country where clubs close at a certain time and you go home. not this insane bacchanalian booze and drug wonderland where everyone around you is awake and happy and dancing and partying and you can literally get lost for days (not that i have personally, but i've heard enough first person stories to know its true). it was worth it to go back to berghain for my last time (maybe ever haha) and i don't regret being a dumb 21 year old anymore, but yesterday i was really wracked with guilt over the whole thing. maybe its a sign i'm not cut out for berlin ... all that excess makes me feel like a bad person. the best/worst part too depending on how you look at it is that these two random gay men from san francisco totally funded my trip to berghain for no reason than that they liked me (and tim hah).
anyway today will be very full and very productive and since my brain got a break yesterday, hopefully i can pump out this paper before tonight is over. we'll see. i must say that i am actually really glad that leaving berlin has kept me insanely busy. if i were a better student and had i finished all of these things a lot earlier, i'd be so bored and melancholy, and i'm also so broke that its not like i could afford to go anywhere or do anything else, so i'd be in my apartment watching mtv and panicking. at least now my panic feelings are minor, if at all, and i have no time to think about any of it - just do it. im sure i'll have time to think about it on my 9 hour plane ride home, and thats when it is allowed to all hit me, but since i said my first "goodbye" to someone a few weeks ago they've gotten easier and easier.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
so the going home countdown is now around 19 days. nineteen days. thats really really really nothing. i successfully delivered the oral report on tramhalte beethovenstraat, successfully finished my first hausarbeit, kicked my klausur's ass (still waiting on a grade), and have generally been having crazy full productive days every day. in the next 19 days i need to write two more papers, finish up the formatting on all three, and take another exam. do-able? yes. crappy, yah, but even though i wanted to get started earlier i knew i wouldnt ... i dont actually know anyone who lives any sort of interesting or enjoyable lifestyle and simultaneously spends every week writing their final papers. i mean come on.
last night i had a fun pre-quarter-life quarter-life-crisis. my newest irrational fear is that i will return to the united states and have my ego completely deflated by everyone's lack of interest in my life. its not the first time that it's happened. see also: thanksgiving break freshman year, xmas break freshman year, summer freshman year, every other time i've ever come home from college, and about a month after i left for berlin. i can't be mad at anyone but myself over it all ... i build up all these ideas in my head about what i want to happen, and when it doesn't happen i break out into full only-child-brat-mode and get all pissy that no one follows through with my imaginary plans of lavishing me with attention and parties. i get frustrated with myself, because it's kind of unattractive for a 21 year old to act like a 5 year old, but sometimes i just want to stomp my feet and pout and yell at everyone for not being more FUN. the thing is, im not a child anymore, i'm essentially an adult and i moved away. when you move away you move out of people's lives and i can't expect everyone to just, like, bookmark the place that i used to occupy and wait for me to saunter back into it whenever i feel like it. while its normal to want to be missed, i am fully aware at how most of my friends have lost almost all contact with me, and as sad as it makes me i know that its really not coming from my end. it would be one thing if i left for berlin and kissed everyone goodbye, but after so many unanswered emails and awkward trans-atlantic cell phone messages, i have very low expectations for my return.
add to that the fact that so many people at middlebury has been somewhere for a semester or a year and that its JUST NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL. for my family, yeah its great, and in the larger scope of things, yes its big and its something to be proud of. i packed up my life, peaced out of new jersey (which is NO easy feat), transplanted myself into germany and started a brand new life here. not many 20 year olds do that, this is true. then again not many people leave new jersey at all, so its all relative. but coming back from study abroad and being in middlebury is anticlimactic by definition: everyone sits around, head swimming with their year long adventures, and after a few drinks and a week everyone gets over it and moves forward. you cant drag your friends through your memories and expect them to give a shit. they werent there, they wont find the inside jokes cute, they dont want to see 85 pictures from random parties nor do they really care about the angle at which YOU captured the eiffel tower or a canal in venice. part of coming back is just a big get over it, i think. being up to my ears in post-holocaust literature is probably (um, read definitely) affecting my mood/perceptions of things - but its true. people only want to hear about the past so much, and when its your past (read the last 10 months of my life), most people could really care less. of course my mom is going to tell me that im special and smart and awesome (and is the only person reading this anyway ......), but thats why she's my mom and thats her job.
i knew i wouldn't want to leave berlin, and even though i have readily admitted a sense of homesickness, i have always been very clear about wanting to stay here forever. now that im down to less than three weeks its even more apparent. i dont want to uproot everything here. i know that my friends here will disappear from my life just as quickly as friends anywhere do. berlin is a fast paced city of hedonism and excess ... it is full of interesting, smart, active, fun people and i try to remind myself that even though people will miss me - i'm not necessarily irreplaceable (to the left to the left!)
and with that beyonce reference, i think i should end this depressing blog post and read more heinrich böll. bis aufs bald.
last night i had a fun pre-quarter-life quarter-life-crisis. my newest irrational fear is that i will return to the united states and have my ego completely deflated by everyone's lack of interest in my life. its not the first time that it's happened. see also: thanksgiving break freshman year, xmas break freshman year, summer freshman year, every other time i've ever come home from college, and about a month after i left for berlin. i can't be mad at anyone but myself over it all ... i build up all these ideas in my head about what i want to happen, and when it doesn't happen i break out into full only-child-brat-mode and get all pissy that no one follows through with my imaginary plans of lavishing me with attention and parties. i get frustrated with myself, because it's kind of unattractive for a 21 year old to act like a 5 year old, but sometimes i just want to stomp my feet and pout and yell at everyone for not being more FUN. the thing is, im not a child anymore, i'm essentially an adult and i moved away. when you move away you move out of people's lives and i can't expect everyone to just, like, bookmark the place that i used to occupy and wait for me to saunter back into it whenever i feel like it. while its normal to want to be missed, i am fully aware at how most of my friends have lost almost all contact with me, and as sad as it makes me i know that its really not coming from my end. it would be one thing if i left for berlin and kissed everyone goodbye, but after so many unanswered emails and awkward trans-atlantic cell phone messages, i have very low expectations for my return.
add to that the fact that so many people at middlebury has been somewhere for a semester or a year and that its JUST NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL. for my family, yeah its great, and in the larger scope of things, yes its big and its something to be proud of. i packed up my life, peaced out of new jersey (which is NO easy feat), transplanted myself into germany and started a brand new life here. not many 20 year olds do that, this is true. then again not many people leave new jersey at all, so its all relative. but coming back from study abroad and being in middlebury is anticlimactic by definition: everyone sits around, head swimming with their year long adventures, and after a few drinks and a week everyone gets over it and moves forward. you cant drag your friends through your memories and expect them to give a shit. they werent there, they wont find the inside jokes cute, they dont want to see 85 pictures from random parties nor do they really care about the angle at which YOU captured the eiffel tower or a canal in venice. part of coming back is just a big get over it, i think. being up to my ears in post-holocaust literature is probably (um, read definitely) affecting my mood/perceptions of things - but its true. people only want to hear about the past so much, and when its your past (read the last 10 months of my life), most people could really care less. of course my mom is going to tell me that im special and smart and awesome (and is the only person reading this anyway ......), but thats why she's my mom and thats her job.
i knew i wouldn't want to leave berlin, and even though i have readily admitted a sense of homesickness, i have always been very clear about wanting to stay here forever. now that im down to less than three weeks its even more apparent. i dont want to uproot everything here. i know that my friends here will disappear from my life just as quickly as friends anywhere do. berlin is a fast paced city of hedonism and excess ... it is full of interesting, smart, active, fun people and i try to remind myself that even though people will miss me - i'm not necessarily irreplaceable (to the left to the left!)
and with that beyonce reference, i think i should end this depressing blog post and read more heinrich böll. bis aufs bald.
Friday, July 11, 2008
the countdown: im leaving berlin in four weeks. what do you have to do in that period of time, one may wonder? well i'm only too happy to share my misery with others and detail it over and over again. yesterday i re-took the exam from last semester, which i had failed (AND THANK GOD THATS OVER) and managed to escape from that stress-hell sans migraine, which is a testament to my power over my own brain because i could feel that migraine building up somewhere in my cerebral cortex (is that where they happen?) and i beat it down before it could wreak havoc on my relaxation plans.
on monday i have to give my belated oral report on tramhalte beethovenstraat by grete weil, which part of me is looking forward to because i LOVED the book and worked my ass off to understand all of its different aspects, and i therefore want recognition for my obvious genius. im nervous that maybe i'm way off in my estimation of my grasp on the book, or how well i can sort out the IMPORTANT plot threads/ideas from the less important ones ... also my professor is one of those intimidating geniuses who has spent the better part of their life reading everything they can possibly get their hands on. the kind of professor whose office is intimidatingly full of books and periodicals and their OWN publications - but unlike some of my FAVORITE professors - has an air to them that seems to snort at you with contempt, as if to say "think about this for another 20 years and then talk to me you PLEBEIAN". anyway, we'll see what she says about how i introduce the book, seeing as how SHE WROTE half the literature on it ... nothing like a genius novel that was ignored by the authors contemporaries because she was a WOMAN and a JEW and they COULDN'T HANDLE IT (i always manage to find shit like this that i harp on ...)
THEN comes the fun stuff! write the last 4 pages on my paper about mother-ideology/obsession/deification in erich kästner's children's literature. then write a 12 page paper on billiard um halb zehn (aka billiards at 9:30) by heinrich böll which answers the question "BILLIARDS: what is UP with that?" (my words, not aforementioned scary professors). then another 12 page paper about the founding of my current university, die freie universität, and why/how it happened which i then have to, um, analyze? yah talk about love/hate relationships this semester ... german university leaves me with an endless feeling of who-the-hell-am-i .... like .... what do i have to say about all of this epic stuff like post-holocaust survivors guilt and cold war politics in berlin. im some 21 year old american jackass ...
then! i have to take ANOTHER exam! about how 4 or 5 different authors works span naturalism to expressionism and what-it-all-means etc etc. i would almost rather re-take my IB klausur than try to deal with this course on turn-of-the-century lit, where i have less than no idea where to start. the lesson from all of this? you can't teach an old stupid college student new tricks. did i say i'd be finished with all of this way earlier? yep. do i want to try to complete said papers and exam in 3 weeks? yeah. is it going to stress me out? yeah, duh.
but then i have one glorious week in berlin where i can do as i choose. my plans: boden museum, maybe the pergamon again to see their new exhibit, lay around on the banks of the spree, tour a few of berlins lakes in order to lay around and read (all part of my plan to come home more attractive than i left ...), and have ONE week of summer before its all over. i also want to read klaus wowereit's biography, which has been sitting next to our toilet since i got here (which is kind of hilarious).
the word for parting/farewell in german is abschied, and the verb is then verabschieden. i have to verabschied myself with the city (to really denglify my thoughts, as usual). there will be abschiedsparties (which is actually an adoptive german word: abschiedsparty), there will be abschieds-dinners, abschieds-brunches, and probably a lot of abschieds-crying. i think my feelings on the whole matter are perfectly balanced. i love berlin with all of my heart and find it hard to tear myself away from it. i can't repress the feeling that i want to return to berlin as soon as humanly possible. at the same time, i miss new jersey and my home and my room and my life there, and i miss vermont and my lifestyle and friends there as well. so many students here in the program have made NO friends other than the americans we came with, have done NOTHING but study, and many of them leave berlin almost every weekend (for places like MUNICH no less ... i mean COME ON). these people are dying to leave, some are even leaving in two weeks, and i think that berlin is not for everyones personality necessarily. this is probably why these people and i don't really get along and won't really miss one another. i feel as connected to berlin and my apartment and my neighborhood and the parks as i do when i drive down the street i grew up on and see my elementary school and the way the trees come together forming a canopy over the street. now its like i have three homes instead of one, and when i'm in one place i will miss the other two, but its comforting to know that i have so many people and places that are home to me, and that they are a little spread out so that i am usually near at least one.
on monday i have to give my belated oral report on tramhalte beethovenstraat by grete weil, which part of me is looking forward to because i LOVED the book and worked my ass off to understand all of its different aspects, and i therefore want recognition for my obvious genius. im nervous that maybe i'm way off in my estimation of my grasp on the book, or how well i can sort out the IMPORTANT plot threads/ideas from the less important ones ... also my professor is one of those intimidating geniuses who has spent the better part of their life reading everything they can possibly get their hands on. the kind of professor whose office is intimidatingly full of books and periodicals and their OWN publications - but unlike some of my FAVORITE professors - has an air to them that seems to snort at you with contempt, as if to say "think about this for another 20 years and then talk to me you PLEBEIAN". anyway, we'll see what she says about how i introduce the book, seeing as how SHE WROTE half the literature on it ... nothing like a genius novel that was ignored by the authors contemporaries because she was a WOMAN and a JEW and they COULDN'T HANDLE IT (i always manage to find shit like this that i harp on ...)
THEN comes the fun stuff! write the last 4 pages on my paper about mother-ideology/obsession/deification in erich kästner's children's literature. then write a 12 page paper on billiard um halb zehn (aka billiards at 9:30) by heinrich böll which answers the question "BILLIARDS: what is UP with that?" (my words, not aforementioned scary professors). then another 12 page paper about the founding of my current university, die freie universität, and why/how it happened which i then have to, um, analyze? yah talk about love/hate relationships this semester ... german university leaves me with an endless feeling of who-the-hell-am-i .... like .... what do i have to say about all of this epic stuff like post-holocaust survivors guilt and cold war politics in berlin. im some 21 year old american jackass ...
then! i have to take ANOTHER exam! about how 4 or 5 different authors works span naturalism to expressionism and what-it-all-means etc etc. i would almost rather re-take my IB klausur than try to deal with this course on turn-of-the-century lit, where i have less than no idea where to start. the lesson from all of this? you can't teach an old stupid college student new tricks. did i say i'd be finished with all of this way earlier? yep. do i want to try to complete said papers and exam in 3 weeks? yeah. is it going to stress me out? yeah, duh.
but then i have one glorious week in berlin where i can do as i choose. my plans: boden museum, maybe the pergamon again to see their new exhibit, lay around on the banks of the spree, tour a few of berlins lakes in order to lay around and read (all part of my plan to come home more attractive than i left ...), and have ONE week of summer before its all over. i also want to read klaus wowereit's biography, which has been sitting next to our toilet since i got here (which is kind of hilarious).
the word for parting/farewell in german is abschied, and the verb is then verabschieden. i have to verabschied myself with the city (to really denglify my thoughts, as usual). there will be abschiedsparties (which is actually an adoptive german word: abschiedsparty), there will be abschieds-dinners, abschieds-brunches, and probably a lot of abschieds-crying. i think my feelings on the whole matter are perfectly balanced. i love berlin with all of my heart and find it hard to tear myself away from it. i can't repress the feeling that i want to return to berlin as soon as humanly possible. at the same time, i miss new jersey and my home and my room and my life there, and i miss vermont and my lifestyle and friends there as well. so many students here in the program have made NO friends other than the americans we came with, have done NOTHING but study, and many of them leave berlin almost every weekend (for places like MUNICH no less ... i mean COME ON). these people are dying to leave, some are even leaving in two weeks, and i think that berlin is not for everyones personality necessarily. this is probably why these people and i don't really get along and won't really miss one another. i feel as connected to berlin and my apartment and my neighborhood and the parks as i do when i drive down the street i grew up on and see my elementary school and the way the trees come together forming a canopy over the street. now its like i have three homes instead of one, and when i'm in one place i will miss the other two, but its comforting to know that i have so many people and places that are home to me, and that they are a little spread out so that i am usually near at least one.
Friday, June 13, 2008
today it is raining for the first time in over a month and the breeze coming through my window can accurately be described as freezing. theres nothing to aid in your heart's homesick depression like post-war german novels about guilt and repression of feeling from the 50s and 60s. there's no remedy like a cup of chai from home and playing with the dog in the park until it starts to pour.
i have been listening to the mountain goats nonstop for a few weeks now, which like any of my favorite artists, their long and varied catalogue lends itself to. there are times when listening to melancholy music can make you feel even more melancholy and then there are times when it acts as a close friend who sits with you and eats junk food and, while not making you laugh or forget about anything, manages to lift your spirit and console you. i am by no means the first person to think or say any of this, and this isn't a music blog by any stretch of the imagination, but the combination of john darneille's elementary-school guitar style, plaintive nasal-wail-type voice and über-literary lyrics are a recipe for some of my favorite music of all time. add to that the fact that there is something within these albums, especially "all hail west texas" "get lonely" and "the sunset tree" that feels inherently american to me, like the capstan shafts or samamidon or even certain bright eyes songs. it causes a new kind of homesickness to surface within me, for a place i've never even really been. for something intangibly "out west", from texas or nebraska or oregon; kerouac-ian highways and desolate suburban streets with ranch-style houses with angsty 16 year olds playing music in the basements. i know its a silly thing to think about, because listening to crap like taking back sunday or the june spirit or even blood brothers call forth memories of home for me, but they call forth memories of my high school adolescence and driving on new jersey highways and drinking on playgrounds and sitting in rittenhouse square or walking up and down haddon ave. the mountain goats don't so much represent a time period in my life or a specific place as an idea of "home" and "america" that might even be more valuable to me being so far away.
this week has been the euro-cup 2008, or as the germans call it, the euro-meisterschaft. germany's performance last night against croatia was nothing less than embarrassing and you can feel the bad mood pervading everyone's spirit. it was practically tangible on the tram and train last night traveling across town. the day before yesterday i went on my second real date since i've been in this city, and it was really lovely. it's strange how sharing something as trivial as a favorite obscure band with a person can trick your heart into feeling like you share some deeper connection. i consider myself a rational person, and i'm not trying to say that i'm ready to marry someone who happens to like yo la tengo and pavement, but after months of being confronted with cultural incompatibility, its enough to make you text someone back. there is more to the connection than that, including shared interest in silent films, modern art and literature, politics and speaking a few of the same languages, and i'm not trying to jump into some epic romeo and juliet-esque long distance impossible relationship, its just nice to meet someone interesting to do fun things with without some uncomfortable subtext.
today my goals are to finish at least half of this novel for monday, write at least two pages for my first hausarbeit, and try once again to attack the permanent state of mess that my apartment lives in. in a recent telephone conversation with my mother, i compared trying to keep my living space tidy with shaving my armpits - it is so inherently futile because within days (and by days i mean hours, for both), everything goes back to how it was. its one of the smartest (and maybe grossest) analogies i've ever made. but knowing me its probably not the grossest.
i have been listening to the mountain goats nonstop for a few weeks now, which like any of my favorite artists, their long and varied catalogue lends itself to. there are times when listening to melancholy music can make you feel even more melancholy and then there are times when it acts as a close friend who sits with you and eats junk food and, while not making you laugh or forget about anything, manages to lift your spirit and console you. i am by no means the first person to think or say any of this, and this isn't a music blog by any stretch of the imagination, but the combination of john darneille's elementary-school guitar style, plaintive nasal-wail-type voice and über-literary lyrics are a recipe for some of my favorite music of all time. add to that the fact that there is something within these albums, especially "all hail west texas" "get lonely" and "the sunset tree" that feels inherently american to me, like the capstan shafts or samamidon or even certain bright eyes songs. it causes a new kind of homesickness to surface within me, for a place i've never even really been. for something intangibly "out west", from texas or nebraska or oregon; kerouac-ian highways and desolate suburban streets with ranch-style houses with angsty 16 year olds playing music in the basements. i know its a silly thing to think about, because listening to crap like taking back sunday or the june spirit or even blood brothers call forth memories of home for me, but they call forth memories of my high school adolescence and driving on new jersey highways and drinking on playgrounds and sitting in rittenhouse square or walking up and down haddon ave. the mountain goats don't so much represent a time period in my life or a specific place as an idea of "home" and "america" that might even be more valuable to me being so far away.
this week has been the euro-cup 2008, or as the germans call it, the euro-meisterschaft. germany's performance last night against croatia was nothing less than embarrassing and you can feel the bad mood pervading everyone's spirit. it was practically tangible on the tram and train last night traveling across town. the day before yesterday i went on my second real date since i've been in this city, and it was really lovely. it's strange how sharing something as trivial as a favorite obscure band with a person can trick your heart into feeling like you share some deeper connection. i consider myself a rational person, and i'm not trying to say that i'm ready to marry someone who happens to like yo la tengo and pavement, but after months of being confronted with cultural incompatibility, its enough to make you text someone back. there is more to the connection than that, including shared interest in silent films, modern art and literature, politics and speaking a few of the same languages, and i'm not trying to jump into some epic romeo and juliet-esque long distance impossible relationship, its just nice to meet someone interesting to do fun things with without some uncomfortable subtext.
today my goals are to finish at least half of this novel for monday, write at least two pages for my first hausarbeit, and try once again to attack the permanent state of mess that my apartment lives in. in a recent telephone conversation with my mother, i compared trying to keep my living space tidy with shaving my armpits - it is so inherently futile because within days (and by days i mean hours, for both), everything goes back to how it was. its one of the smartest (and maybe grossest) analogies i've ever made. but knowing me its probably not the grossest.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
the inevitable death of any outlet of my self-expression
as much as it pains me to say it, this blog is in somewhat of a death spiral. i think that this could have been quite easily surmised, given my numerous failed attempts at keeping a paper journal. the sad part about the death of this blog is that i spend a lot of time in front of the computer, which should have kept it alive in theory. perhaps it was a lack of readership, perhaps just a lifestyle that does not lend itself to quiet introspection, but i have posted less and less as time has gone on. ive considered trying to continue a blog into my time at home, but i'm still sort of on the fence about it. if i manage to increase my posting on this one, i might start a reincarnation of this blog post-arrival in the us. my inclinations toward starting a new blog after i come back from "study abroad" are manifold: first and foremost, i equate entry into the real world with getting a gmail account, and with that gmail account comes a new opportunity to create a blog. also, this one is called "rachael in berlin" and when i am no longer living in berlin, it seems a bit silly. i'll probably keep it in suspended animation in case i come back to berlin and it once again becomes relevant, but maybe not. the internet is strange, no?
well in pertinent news: i recently traveled to munich, which i did not much enjoy to be honest. i think this is because i was greatly sleep deprived the entire time and found the city and a lot of the people i met to be sort of put-off-ish. the best part of munich was the pinakothek der moderne, or the modern art museum. the word pinakothek totally threw me, and my internet-skills have located the etymology as coming from ancient greece and having been used since the renaissance for royal art collections (which might only be in germany ... that part isn't exactly clear). the weather for the last three days has had highs of between 85 and 88 degrees, which is kind of a crazy heat wave. im not sure if its necessarily climate change related, but its got its benefits and drawbacks. the drawbacks are that i get incredibly uncomfortable when i am sweaty, which only makes me frustrated and more sweaty and leads to a sort of internal freakout that makes me feel 5 years old. also that the public transportation, which only sometimes smelled wretched, now permanently smells wretched and if you get into the wrong part of the train you will be totally stifled, even if the windows are open. also germans dont believe in air conditioning and my apartment can be really gross and hot at night, prompting me to venture out into the city and try to pick up a fan.
the benefit of warm weather is DUH summertime activities!!! lately ive been spending many an afternoon sunning myself on my balcony but when im in my apartment i always find other stuff to do and get really finicky as to whether or not i'm only tanning the front half of my body. if i'm giving myself skin cancer, i might as well be evenly tanned. well today myself and two friends made our way about 15 minutes west of my apartment, through the grünewald to the wannsee!! it cost about 2 euros to get in, the beach part looked JUST like wildwood except that it was seventy million times cleaner than anything on the coast of new jersey ever could be and was full of the expected amount of men in speedos, women chainsmoking, and naked european babies. also there was a sweet waterslide that was basically adult only and you had to swim way out to get there, and if there was a line you had to tread water until you could climb the ladder. essentially, it was use at your own risk, and to make sure you knew that, there was a sign at the foot of the stairs that said so, which i guess would be the last thing you saw if you were waiting in line and couldnt really swim. i love the germans ... they really make you fend for yourself.
the wannsee was beautiful and really lifted my spirits, and then watching a gross marathon of "a shot of love with tila tequila" follow by "rock of love" not only soothed some of my homesickness for my trashy home state, but also made me feel a lot better about myself as a person of moral fiber, as reality shows often do. i have a ton of plans coming up, including a visit from david and mary in a week (!!!!!), and a trip to istanbul in 2.5 weeks (!!!!!!!!!!) in between i have a ton of reading to do and its also back to the grindstone for hausarbeit season. there are already plans in the works for a 4th of july barbecue at görlitzer park in which only english may be spoken and polish fireworks may or may not be set off. and i have faith that whatever sort of going-away celebrations take place, they will be numerous, debaucherous, and epic in the way that only berlin could have/has been in the last 8 months.
well in pertinent news: i recently traveled to munich, which i did not much enjoy to be honest. i think this is because i was greatly sleep deprived the entire time and found the city and a lot of the people i met to be sort of put-off-ish. the best part of munich was the pinakothek der moderne, or the modern art museum. the word pinakothek totally threw me, and my internet-skills have located the etymology as coming from ancient greece and having been used since the renaissance for royal art collections (which might only be in germany ... that part isn't exactly clear). the weather for the last three days has had highs of between 85 and 88 degrees, which is kind of a crazy heat wave. im not sure if its necessarily climate change related, but its got its benefits and drawbacks. the drawbacks are that i get incredibly uncomfortable when i am sweaty, which only makes me frustrated and more sweaty and leads to a sort of internal freakout that makes me feel 5 years old. also that the public transportation, which only sometimes smelled wretched, now permanently smells wretched and if you get into the wrong part of the train you will be totally stifled, even if the windows are open. also germans dont believe in air conditioning and my apartment can be really gross and hot at night, prompting me to venture out into the city and try to pick up a fan.
the benefit of warm weather is DUH summertime activities!!! lately ive been spending many an afternoon sunning myself on my balcony but when im in my apartment i always find other stuff to do and get really finicky as to whether or not i'm only tanning the front half of my body. if i'm giving myself skin cancer, i might as well be evenly tanned. well today myself and two friends made our way about 15 minutes west of my apartment, through the grünewald to the wannsee!! it cost about 2 euros to get in, the beach part looked JUST like wildwood except that it was seventy million times cleaner than anything on the coast of new jersey ever could be and was full of the expected amount of men in speedos, women chainsmoking, and naked european babies. also there was a sweet waterslide that was basically adult only and you had to swim way out to get there, and if there was a line you had to tread water until you could climb the ladder. essentially, it was use at your own risk, and to make sure you knew that, there was a sign at the foot of the stairs that said so, which i guess would be the last thing you saw if you were waiting in line and couldnt really swim. i love the germans ... they really make you fend for yourself.
the wannsee was beautiful and really lifted my spirits, and then watching a gross marathon of "a shot of love with tila tequila" follow by "rock of love" not only soothed some of my homesickness for my trashy home state, but also made me feel a lot better about myself as a person of moral fiber, as reality shows often do. i have a ton of plans coming up, including a visit from david and mary in a week (!!!!!), and a trip to istanbul in 2.5 weeks (!!!!!!!!!!) in between i have a ton of reading to do and its also back to the grindstone for hausarbeit season. there are already plans in the works for a 4th of july barbecue at görlitzer park in which only english may be spoken and polish fireworks may or may not be set off. and i have faith that whatever sort of going-away celebrations take place, they will be numerous, debaucherous, and epic in the way that only berlin could have/has been in the last 8 months.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
the above are two of my favorite pictures that i took in my 5 day paris extravaganza. i'm so cute, right? in paris i climbed really high and looked at the city (aka my favorite touristy activity), i ran around different parts each day, ate some various cheeses, drank a lot of very small glasses of wine, saw a bunch of middlebury people, ate a lot of falafel at the #1 recommended by lenny kravitz l'as du falafel in the marais (they should pay me for that plug), and managed to keep my spending down to a very amazingly low minimum.
i also slept on the floor of my cousin's incredibly tiny apartment and really bonded with her, which was probably the best part. my entire life i joked about being adopted, but really felt a sort of "my so-called life" alienation from everyone i was related to. now that we're both old enough to bridge the awkward age-gap that comes on with adolescence, in my cousin gabriella i finally found someone in my pseudo-immediate family that i 100% understand and connect to. im not saying we listen to the same music or watch the same movies, but she reads! interesting intelligent books! she travels! she understands leaving new jersey! she's funny! and smart! and honest! and not crazy! i mean, i don't want to gush, but it was a pretty big revelation. the only downside is that since she is much like me, and we both are pretty independent and disconnected from the family, we most likely won't cross paths at the traditional carrasquillo pool party bbq surprise party events, especially since she's moving to california to be with her boyfriend. it's still nice to know i'm not the only one in that family that, i dunno, gets it.
lately spring has sprung in europe, which is nice, and i think it has improved my general outlook on everything. i've spent a fair amount of time lately soaking up the first weak springtime sunrays on my balcony, brunching with tim, roaming flea markets with jack, and this week marked the first week of my spring semester! i feel like i'm pretty much getting all my shit together, but you know, always the same issues: worried about being homeless for my last month here, my room being in a permanent state of dirt and chaos, frustration at a lack of time/energy left for pleasure reading, blahblahblah.
travel always inspires me to take lots of cheesy pictures, yet throughout these adventures i feel that i have mostly stuck to my anti-technology-age platform as usual. for those uninitiated with this platform, it's simple. i, much like any self-respecting young adult in 2008, have multiple internet outlets for my personality. i got my first livejournal when i was a freshman in high school, in order to fit in, duh. this was at the time that people might not remember, when livejournal was selective and you needed to get invited to get one. a user had only one invite and they could then invite you to get an account - i think i gave my invite to molly or chrissy, i'm not sure. i'm pretty sure that one year later i got the opportunity for another invite and i definitely gave it to dan pierson. anyway. shortly thereafter i got a myspace, probably within the month. im not trying to brag and say i was ahead of the trend, really the bizarre sinkhole of culture that is southern new jersey is the culprit. everyone everyone everyone has this. college was the first place where i realized that not everyone's social life was so deeply enmeshed in the internet and it became practically a source of shame that i had gleaned a fair amount of html knowledge by putting together my friend's livejournal backgrounds.
but one thing that is universally accepted on college campuses is facebook, and let me just say this: facebook is no less creepy, exploitative, egotistical or soul-sucking than myspace, livejournal, friendster (yeah i had one of those too), xanga (never thank god), centerfuse (which is a philly/south jersey thing only) ... it might even be worse, due to its sheer popularity and mass appeal.
where is this current rant going? having spent my formative high school years focused on the internet and documenting much of my life there, i am no stranger to the concept that you want all of your friends to be able to see the good times you have with each other and talk about it, but instead of spending money on film and physical photos and spending time together looking at them, everyone can interact in front of their computers, individually, most likely unshowered and sitting around in their underpants. facebook has warped this pastime into something more sinister in my opinion. suddenly if something has not merited a facebook photo album, if you are not tagged in pictures of something, it did not happen and you were not there. i hate this. i hate the way you feel when you see the next day that you did not merit entry into the internet verification of your identity. i hate the popularity-contest circle-jerk that facebook incites (sorry for the language mom).
so for that reason, i share these two pictures of my daytime touristy exploits in paris. that is what pictures were about when i was little - we looked at this thing and made big cheesy smiles in front of it. am i hypocritical for remaining a cog in the internet system? i mean, i have a facebook, i post pictures on it of my travels, my friends see them and talk to me about it. i still maintain an extremely neglected livejournal and myspace page, despite consistent threats that i'll delete the whole mess. i justify it thusly: i refuse to drag my camera to every club, to every dinner party, to every cafe date. i consciously leave my camera at home more often than not. i generally avoid pictures of myself anyway, due to my surprising non-photogenic tendencies. i refuse to feed into the idea that i need to document every aspect of my life. i also refuse to let facebook depress me or alter my self-esteem with digital images of events that i didnt go to because i happened to be 3000 miles away, enjoying the best year of my life without the aid of photo documentation.
i suspect that there will be a huge facebook fall in the near future. as it is, the coolest hippest kids don't have one, and the top-tier cool kids have extremely limited facebook profiles. as the website evolves to become more and more involved in every aspect of your life and tie it all together with your real-life non-computer devices like your cell phone, it will go the way of any trend ever in the history of everything and lose touch with youth. just like when livejournal stopped requiring invites, when adults started getting myspaces, and when your parents and middle school-aged little sister got facebooks, it'll be gone soon. but while it's still around, and still mad creepy, i can rant, and get serious - besides the internet, complaining is my FAVORITE hobby.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
well springtime is finally here and i have neglected this blog for way too long. the weird thing about studying abroad, at least for me, is that when i was first considering going there was no question in my mind that it would be berlin for one year. i immediately wanted to read as many "abroad" blogs as i could, glean all the useful how-to information and have the most prepared, knowledgeable, perfect abroad experience ever. when saying goodbyes, i felt so attached to my life at home and the people i was leaving, i insisted to myself that i would do everything differently and magically spent all sorts of free time writing long heartfelt letters, sending (surprisingly expensive!) postcards, and keeping up with group emails.
the ultimate truth that i've discovered about study abroad is that it is an intimate, at times indescribable experience more than anything. a friend of mine from middlebury said that after he and his group of friends all got back from their respective study-abroad countries, they all sort of collectively said "oh my gosh it was amazing" and then went on with their lives. its impossible to sum up a year of your life for someone. when someone emails me asking "how is berlin?" i kind of want to laugh a little ... its similar to asking "how was being five years old?". its almost intangible and difficult to summarize, and i think that generalizing my experience month by month will only cheapen it. i can say, without a doubt, this has been the most amazing six months of my life, but i'm struggling to find a medium between that vague communication, and the tedious daily emails i send my mother about what i ate or whom i saw, etc etc.
i will struggle on, though, for posterity's sake, and for the sake of vanity and my ego as well. my last final paper was turned in on march 9th. the feeling on the tenth was pretty much indescribable. after two intense months of work, it was all over. i felt guilty about being a bad student and taking so long to get everything done until this morning, when i got an email from another girl in the program who is finishing her work NEXT WEEK. how she even got that kind of an extension is beyond me. anyway, on the tenth, jordan was here! and decided after spending 3 days in berlin to stay, um, for a long time. shortly there after, i scooted over to prague again for a weekend, which is always raucous, and then jack came and stayed with me for a week and a half.
when jack came boy oh boy was everything full of hail and snow and awful weather, not to mention residual bitterness over the ubahn strike. yesterday, however, the temperature was about 16 C, which is about 61 F. today is 15, which is about 58. still. wow. wow wow wow. i know i know, dont get my hopes up, its going to rain, go back around 8 or 9, but still. the excitement over this weather is reaching the kind of hysteria levels reserved for middlebury spring, which usually comes about on may 1st, and is elusive and ephemeral until we all leave two weeks later.
i can not wait to experience berlin in springtime and even better - SUMMER. today the daylight officially reached 13 hours. in july, berlin gets about 17 or 18 hours of sunlight, which is insane. i plan on my bacchanalian lifestyle to increase threefold, and my general glee to be doubly as intense as my wintertime gloom. tomorrow night im flying to paris, just to increase the happy. add to that the fact that next year i am most likely (99% on this one) going to be living at 77 main street with three other friends, a living situation that is so much better than anything i imagined last month.
everything is so good that i'm a little afraid to jinx it: travel, new semester, new friends, beautiful weather, old friends, a new bike, a fresh start. i mean, granted, there are tiny lows. a giant melodramatic blow up with a certain ex boyfriend (who has never read this blog anyway, so i can talk about him all i want) hasn't really gotten me down, but really has liberated me even further. the thing is, i still sort of feel sad about it, but very very little and the feeling is continually passing. also i have some weird sort of cold happening, which i blame on the sudden changes in weather. hopefully i can drink a ton of water and juice today and get it under control by tomorrow.
i don't want to complain, or think about the bad stuff though, because i feel that it's something that i need to change about myself ultimately. i need to accept being happy and trust it. it's like, after holding on to bad feelings for so long its really hard to let go of them. it makes me think of the "trust building" leadership exercises we would do at high school retreats, where you would close your eyes and cross your arms and fall backward, and your group of 15 people would have to catch you. you have to trust them. sometimes i feel like i have a hard time closing my eyes and simply letting the universe catch me.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
firstly: i just watched the project runway season finale from abroad, and then stumbled upon this gem:
wow. that made my whole life better.
anyway. so ignore that last post about springtime and happy feelings. tuesday it snowed all afternoon. yesterday morning it snowed as well and there was snow all over the city in places where the sun doesn't really hit. today the high was like 3 celsius. it's cold and gross and windy and awful. on top of that, the bvg is striking, which means that more than half of the city's public transportation is out of commission - the u-bahn, buses and trams are done. thank goodness the s-bahn is still running.
OH WAIT. they're striking on monday, essentially shutting down the entire city ... ? i'm not sure how it's legal or what i'm expected to do, but it will be another berlin adventure.
speaking of berlin adventures, on monday the adventure involved an ordinary trip from zoologischer garten to thielplatz u-bhf. seemingly mundane, since i do it every day, but today i was in a bad mood and had woken up especially late, and needed to do a lot of work. i plopped myself on the U3, as i do almost every day, with my headphones in my ears, engrossed in my new book. suddenly, at fehrbelliner platz, i realized that NO ONE ELSE WAS IN THE TRAIN. the train was by no means full previously, but the 5 other people in my car had left. when i stood up and pushed the button to open the train doors, they didn't open.
immediately my stomach dropped in panic, i threw my book in my bag (earmarking the page first of course), and pulled out my headphones, as the train slowly began moving forward and then stopped in the middle of underground-nowhere. great. fabulous. as i scanned the train for a notruf (emergency call) button to alert whoever that they were driving me towards some train graveyard, the button lit up on the door, indicating that i could open it again. as i opened the door and gingerly stepped onto a sketchy wooden platform underneath somewhere in west berlin, the driver strolled over, calmly explaining to me that between fehrbelliner platz and breitenbach platz there's construction happening, and that i needed to get onto a bus in between the two stops and then get back on the U3 over there (which is ridiculous, but whatever). he told me to just get back in the car, and he'd be driving back to the platform in a minute to take everyone back the other direction.
i then had the pleasure of being the only asshole who got out of the empty train back on the platform i had just left, two minutes later, unscathed. but it gets better. on the way home i thought to myself - genius that i am - i'll take the bus back to zoo. its direct, 27 minutes (which is shorter than the train), and i won't have to run around from train to bus to train. well while standing and waiting for the bus i was approached by a girl from one of my classes, and when the bus came we hopped on together.
and it was the wrong bus.
yes i was that big of an ass. so i traveled about 15 minutes in the TOTAL WRONG DIRECTION and had to get on some random other train to get back to zoo. after five months i considered myself not only competent but SKILLED at navigating berlin's public transportation system. as a temporary berliner, i took pride in the city's u and s bahn, the buses and trams, all of which are terribly convenient and free for students. monday they proved to get the best of me.
now lets see how the city (and myself) fare without it.
wow. that made my whole life better.
anyway. so ignore that last post about springtime and happy feelings. tuesday it snowed all afternoon. yesterday morning it snowed as well and there was snow all over the city in places where the sun doesn't really hit. today the high was like 3 celsius. it's cold and gross and windy and awful. on top of that, the bvg is striking, which means that more than half of the city's public transportation is out of commission - the u-bahn, buses and trams are done. thank goodness the s-bahn is still running.
OH WAIT. they're striking on monday, essentially shutting down the entire city ... ? i'm not sure how it's legal or what i'm expected to do, but it will be another berlin adventure.
speaking of berlin adventures, on monday the adventure involved an ordinary trip from zoologischer garten to thielplatz u-bhf. seemingly mundane, since i do it every day, but today i was in a bad mood and had woken up especially late, and needed to do a lot of work. i plopped myself on the U3, as i do almost every day, with my headphones in my ears, engrossed in my new book. suddenly, at fehrbelliner platz, i realized that NO ONE ELSE WAS IN THE TRAIN. the train was by no means full previously, but the 5 other people in my car had left. when i stood up and pushed the button to open the train doors, they didn't open.
immediately my stomach dropped in panic, i threw my book in my bag (earmarking the page first of course), and pulled out my headphones, as the train slowly began moving forward and then stopped in the middle of underground-nowhere. great. fabulous. as i scanned the train for a notruf (emergency call) button to alert whoever that they were driving me towards some train graveyard, the button lit up on the door, indicating that i could open it again. as i opened the door and gingerly stepped onto a sketchy wooden platform underneath somewhere in west berlin, the driver strolled over, calmly explaining to me that between fehrbelliner platz and breitenbach platz there's construction happening, and that i needed to get onto a bus in between the two stops and then get back on the U3 over there (which is ridiculous, but whatever). he told me to just get back in the car, and he'd be driving back to the platform in a minute to take everyone back the other direction.
i then had the pleasure of being the only asshole who got out of the empty train back on the platform i had just left, two minutes later, unscathed. but it gets better. on the way home i thought to myself - genius that i am - i'll take the bus back to zoo. its direct, 27 minutes (which is shorter than the train), and i won't have to run around from train to bus to train. well while standing and waiting for the bus i was approached by a girl from one of my classes, and when the bus came we hopped on together.
and it was the wrong bus.
yes i was that big of an ass. so i traveled about 15 minutes in the TOTAL WRONG DIRECTION and had to get on some random other train to get back to zoo. after five months i considered myself not only competent but SKILLED at navigating berlin's public transportation system. as a temporary berliner, i took pride in the city's u and s bahn, the buses and trams, all of which are terribly convenient and free for students. monday they proved to get the best of me.
now lets see how the city (and myself) fare without it.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
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