the countdown: im leaving berlin in four weeks. what do you have to do in that period of time, one may wonder? well i'm only too happy to share my misery with others and detail it over and over again. yesterday i re-took the exam from last semester, which i had failed (AND THANK GOD THATS OVER) and managed to escape from that stress-hell sans migraine, which is a testament to my power over my own brain because i could feel that migraine building up somewhere in my cerebral cortex (is that where they happen?) and i beat it down before it could wreak havoc on my relaxation plans.

on monday i have to give my belated oral report on tramhalte beethovenstraat by grete weil, which part of me is looking forward to because i LOVED the book and worked my ass off to understand all of its different aspects, and i therefore want recognition for my obvious genius. im nervous that maybe i'm way off in my estimation of my grasp on the book, or how well i can sort out the IMPORTANT plot threads/ideas from the less important ones ... also my professor is one of those intimidating geniuses who has spent the better part of their life reading everything they can possibly get their hands on. the kind of professor whose office is intimidatingly full of books and periodicals and their OWN publications - but unlike some of my FAVORITE professors - has an air to them that seems to snort at you with contempt, as if to say "think about this for another 20 years and then talk to me you PLEBEIAN". anyway, we'll see what she says about how i introduce the book, seeing as how SHE WROTE half the literature on it ... nothing like a genius novel that was ignored by the authors contemporaries because she was a WOMAN and a JEW and they COULDN'T HANDLE IT (i always manage to find shit like this that i harp on ...)

THEN comes the fun stuff! write the last 4 pages on my paper about mother-ideology/obsession/deification in erich kästner's children's literature. then write a 12 page paper on billiard um halb zehn (aka billiards at 9:30) by heinrich böll which answers the question "BILLIARDS: what is UP with that?" (my words, not aforementioned scary professors). then another 12 page paper about the founding of my current university, die freie universität, and why/how it happened which i then have to, um, analyze? yah talk about love/hate relationships this semester ... german university leaves me with an endless feeling of who-the-hell-am-i .... like .... what do i have to say about all of this epic stuff like post-holocaust survivors guilt and cold war politics in berlin. im some 21 year old american jackass ...

then! i have to take ANOTHER exam! about how 4 or 5 different authors works span naturalism to expressionism and what-it-all-means etc etc. i would almost rather re-take my IB klausur than try to deal with this course on turn-of-the-century lit, where i have less than no idea where to start. the lesson from all of this? you can't teach an old stupid college student new tricks. did i say i'd be finished with all of this way earlier? yep. do i want to try to complete said papers and exam in 3 weeks? yeah. is it going to stress me out? yeah, duh.

but then i have one glorious week in berlin where i can do as i choose. my plans: boden museum, maybe the pergamon again to see their new exhibit, lay around on the banks of the spree, tour a few of berlins lakes in order to lay around and read (all part of my plan to come home more attractive than i left ...), and have ONE week of summer before its all over. i also want to read klaus wowereit's biography, which has been sitting next to our toilet since i got here (which is kind of hilarious).

the word for parting/farewell in german is abschied, and the verb is then verabschieden. i have to verabschied myself with the city (to really denglify my thoughts, as usual). there will be abschiedsparties (which is actually an adoptive german word: abschiedsparty), there will be abschieds-dinners, abschieds-brunches, and probably a lot of abschieds-crying. i think my feelings on the whole matter are perfectly balanced. i love berlin with all of my heart and find it hard to tear myself away from it. i can't repress the feeling that i want to return to berlin as soon as humanly possible. at the same time, i miss new jersey and my home and my room and my life there, and i miss vermont and my lifestyle and friends there as well. so many students here in the program have made NO friends other than the americans we came with, have done NOTHING but study, and many of them leave berlin almost every weekend (for places like MUNICH no less ... i mean COME ON). these people are dying to leave, some are even leaving in two weeks, and i think that berlin is not for everyones personality necessarily. this is probably why these people and i don't really get along and won't really miss one another. i feel as connected to berlin and my apartment and my neighborhood and the parks as i do when i drive down the street i grew up on and see my elementary school and the way the trees come together forming a canopy over the street. now its like i have three homes instead of one, and when i'm in one place i will miss the other two, but its comforting to know that i have so many people and places that are home to me, and that they are a little spread out so that i am usually near at least one.