as someone sets light to the first fire of autumn

as i sit here writing my final entry in my study-abroad-in-berlin-blog, its really hard to believe that 10 months have gone by, that i'm leaving in a few hours and that i won't be back in this city for months. of course i'm listening to my goodbye songs, feeling sentimental. i didn't cry when i left the states and i haven't started to cry yet, but i've come close. i can't believe how much i've done and how many people i have met here with whom i will keep in touch and be friends for the rest of my life. i can't believe how at home i have felt in berlin. although it has been really hard to be here at times, and although it did take some getting used to, this city is my home. im not sure how i will feel when i get off the plane in new york city. of course i'm excited to see everyone whom ive missed over the last 10.5 months, and i want to see my mother most of all. im sure i'll get nostalgic once we're on the new jersey turnpike, and especially once we turn off the turnpike onto 295, and then to 561 and then potter street and then i'll see my house for the first time in close to a year.

falk and i were talking about leaving and seeing it as positively as possible, and i think i have thought of it that way and still do. its an age-old cliche, but its the whole feeling of another "chapter" in ones life. my first berlin chapter has ended. now there is a small new jersey interim, followed by my last year at middlebury, to which i really look forward. being a senior, living with my friends, having a real midd experience so to speak - it will all be really really good. and then who knows? everyone is sure that i'll be back in this city as soon as i graduate, and its definitely a possibility, but i don't want to limit myself.

i know i'll be back in berlin. i don't know when or for how long, but it will happen. i also know i'll see all of these people who are so close to me again. i guess thats why leaving haddonfield and middlebury wasn't that hard, and leaving here is going to work out as well. i'm an adult living in the 21st century and if coming back and being here is important to me, then i'll do it.

this post has been overly sappy, and so with that i end this blog, to live on forever in internet posterity (until i come back .... maybe).

the idea of a countdown is almost futile now, since i'm leaving so soon. when it was 10 days, things officially got real. ten days was real. a week was really real. but now ... 3 days ... if you can even call it that. its come down to business hours practically, especially considering everything i have to do. the next three days will not be relaxed. i still have to finish a paper and edit both of them. i also need to go to the police station and say im leaving, leave the university, tell my gym that i'm cancelling my membership, and pay a ton of money to my insurance company (i hate insurance companies more than ... um ... anything).

then i will be home, and hopefully less stressed. i also have to see all sorts of people in the next few days and go to parties. saturday was my going away party (part one) and i managed to make some really bad decisions, as usual, and go out afterwards till about 10 am or so sunday morning. granted i didn't do anything terrible. no federal crimes were involved. i'll still get everything done that i need to. but i lost a day of my life that i'll never get back haha. it wasn't pleasant. it will be a relief to be back in a country where clubs close at a certain time and you go home. not this insane bacchanalian booze and drug wonderland where everyone around you is awake and happy and dancing and partying and you can literally get lost for days (not that i have personally, but i've heard enough first person stories to know its true). it was worth it to go back to berghain for my last time (maybe ever haha) and i don't regret being a dumb 21 year old anymore, but yesterday i was really wracked with guilt over the whole thing. maybe its a sign i'm not cut out for berlin ... all that excess makes me feel like a bad person. the best/worst part too depending on how you look at it is that these two random gay men from san francisco totally funded my trip to berghain for no reason than that they liked me (and tim hah).

anyway today will be very full and very productive and since my brain got a break yesterday, hopefully i can pump out this paper before tonight is over. we'll see. i must say that i am actually really glad that leaving berlin has kept me insanely busy. if i were a better student and had i finished all of these things a lot earlier, i'd be so bored and melancholy, and i'm also so broke that its not like i could afford to go anywhere or do anything else, so i'd be in my apartment watching mtv and panicking. at least now my panic feelings are minor, if at all, and i have no time to think about any of it - just do it. im sure i'll have time to think about it on my 9 hour plane ride home, and thats when it is allowed to all hit me, but since i said my first "goodbye" to someone a few weeks ago they've gotten easier and easier.