today it is raining for the first time in over a month and the breeze coming through my window can accurately be described as freezing. theres nothing to aid in your heart's homesick depression like post-war german novels about guilt and repression of feeling from the 50s and 60s. there's no remedy like a cup of chai from home and playing with the dog in the park until it starts to pour.

i have been listening to the mountain goats nonstop for a few weeks now, which like any of my favorite artists, their long and varied catalogue lends itself to. there are times when listening to melancholy music can make you feel even more melancholy and then there are times when it acts as a close friend who sits with you and eats junk food and, while not making you laugh or forget about anything, manages to lift your spirit and console you. i am by no means the first person to think or say any of this, and this isn't a music blog by any stretch of the imagination, but the combination of john darneille's elementary-school guitar style, plaintive nasal-wail-type voice and über-literary lyrics are a recipe for some of my favorite music of all time. add to that the fact that there is something within these albums, especially "all hail west texas" "get lonely" and "the sunset tree" that feels inherently american to me, like the capstan shafts or samamidon or even certain bright eyes songs. it causes a new kind of homesickness to surface within me, for a place i've never even really been. for something intangibly "out west", from texas or nebraska or oregon; kerouac-ian highways and desolate suburban streets with ranch-style houses with angsty 16 year olds playing music in the basements. i know its a silly thing to think about, because listening to crap like taking back sunday or the june spirit or even blood brothers call forth memories of home for me, but they call forth memories of my high school adolescence and driving on new jersey highways and drinking on playgrounds and sitting in rittenhouse square or walking up and down haddon ave. the mountain goats don't so much represent a time period in my life or a specific place as an idea of "home" and "america" that might even be more valuable to me being so far away.

this week has been the euro-cup 2008, or as the germans call it, the euro-meisterschaft. germany's performance last night against croatia was nothing less than embarrassing and you can feel the bad mood pervading everyone's spirit. it was practically tangible on the tram and train last night traveling across town. the day before yesterday i went on my second real date since i've been in this city, and it was really lovely. it's strange how sharing something as trivial as a favorite obscure band with a person can trick your heart into feeling like you share some deeper connection. i consider myself a rational person, and i'm not trying to say that i'm ready to marry someone who happens to like yo la tengo and pavement, but after months of being confronted with cultural incompatibility, its enough to make you text someone back. there is more to the connection than that, including shared interest in silent films, modern art and literature, politics and speaking a few of the same languages, and i'm not trying to jump into some epic romeo and juliet-esque long distance impossible relationship, its just nice to meet someone interesting to do fun things with without some uncomfortable subtext.

today my goals are to finish at least half of this novel for monday, write at least two pages for my first hausarbeit, and try once again to attack the permanent state of mess that my apartment lives in. in a recent telephone conversation with my mother, i compared trying to keep my living space tidy with shaving my armpits - it is so inherently futile because within days (and by days i mean hours, for both), everything goes back to how it was. its one of the smartest (and maybe grossest) analogies i've ever made. but knowing me its probably not the grossest.

the inevitable death of any outlet of my self-expression

as much as it pains me to say it, this blog is in somewhat of a death spiral. i think that this could have been quite easily surmised, given my numerous failed attempts at keeping a paper journal. the sad part about the death of this blog is that i spend a lot of time in front of the computer, which should have kept it alive in theory. perhaps it was a lack of readership, perhaps just a lifestyle that does not lend itself to quiet introspection, but i have posted less and less as time has gone on. ive considered trying to continue a blog into my time at home, but i'm still sort of on the fence about it. if i manage to increase my posting on this one, i might start a reincarnation of this blog post-arrival in the us. my inclinations toward starting a new blog after i come back from "study abroad" are manifold: first and foremost, i equate entry into the real world with getting a gmail account, and with that gmail account comes a new opportunity to create a blog. also, this one is called "rachael in berlin" and when i am no longer living in berlin, it seems a bit silly. i'll probably keep it in suspended animation in case i come back to berlin and it once again becomes relevant, but maybe not. the internet is strange, no?

well in pertinent news: i recently traveled to munich, which i did not much enjoy to be honest. i think this is because i was greatly sleep deprived the entire time and found the city and a lot of the people i met to be sort of put-off-ish. the best part of munich was the pinakothek der moderne, or the modern art museum. the word pinakothek totally threw me, and my internet-skills have located the etymology as coming from ancient greece and having been used since the renaissance for royal art collections (which might only be in germany ... that part isn't exactly clear). the weather for the last three days has had highs of between 85 and 88 degrees, which is kind of a crazy heat wave. im not sure if its necessarily climate change related, but its got its benefits and drawbacks. the drawbacks are that i get incredibly uncomfortable when i am sweaty, which only makes me frustrated and more sweaty and leads to a sort of internal freakout that makes me feel 5 years old. also that the public transportation, which only sometimes smelled wretched, now permanently smells wretched and if you get into the wrong part of the train you will be totally stifled, even if the windows are open. also germans dont believe in air conditioning and my apartment can be really gross and hot at night, prompting me to venture out into the city and try to pick up a fan.

the benefit of warm weather is DUH summertime activities!!! lately ive been spending many an afternoon sunning myself on my balcony but when im in my apartment i always find other stuff to do and get really finicky as to whether or not i'm only tanning the front half of my body. if i'm giving myself skin cancer, i might as well be evenly tanned. well today myself and two friends made our way about 15 minutes west of my apartment, through the grünewald to the wannsee!! it cost about 2 euros to get in, the beach part looked JUST like wildwood except that it was seventy million times cleaner than anything on the coast of new jersey ever could be and was full of the expected amount of men in speedos, women chainsmoking, and naked european babies. also there was a sweet waterslide that was basically adult only and you had to swim way out to get there, and if there was a line you had to tread water until you could climb the ladder. essentially, it was use at your own risk, and to make sure you knew that, there was a sign at the foot of the stairs that said so, which i guess would be the last thing you saw if you were waiting in line and couldnt really swim. i love the germans ... they really make you fend for yourself.

the wannsee was beautiful and really lifted my spirits, and then watching a gross marathon of "a shot of love with tila tequila" follow by "rock of love" not only soothed some of my homesickness for my trashy home state, but also made me feel a lot better about myself as a person of moral fiber, as reality shows often do. i have a ton of plans coming up, including a visit from david and mary in a week (!!!!!), and a trip to istanbul in 2.5 weeks (!!!!!!!!!!) in between i have a ton of reading to do and its also back to the grindstone for hausarbeit season. there are already plans in the works for a 4th of july barbecue at görlitzer park in which only english may be spoken and polish fireworks may or may not be set off. and i have faith that whatever sort of going-away celebrations take place, they will be numerous, debaucherous, and epic in the way that only berlin could have/has been in the last 8 months.